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nelson mandela bay's family lifestyle
author:
theunis pienaar
regardless faith
issue:
8, summer 2008
I have trust issues. This is a bit personal, so don't go telling other people about it. I am resolving it and hopefully will be able to get over myself. Recently Zuko and I bumped into an old school friend whom we haven't seen for more than twenty years. Despite the passing of time, we immediately recognized him across the crowd. “That's him. I can't believe it. He hasn't changed a bit.” We walked over, greeted and did the catch-up on life in thirty seconds thing. Later we quietly went home and discreetly banged our heads against the wall while desperately wailing – “it cannot be, just yesterday twenty years seemed like an eternity and now we bump into people we haven't seen for twenty years. We're old!” Anyway, getting old and not being able to do what we could at eight or eighteen is not what I'm on about. That is another issue I'll have to quietly deal with on my own. Or perhaps it is what I am on about, but then not in the physical sense. It turns out, twenty years down the line this old school friend has changed quite a bit. If it was his heart we needed to recognize across the crowd, we would have walked right past him. Admittedly we only spoke for five or ten minutes, but it was very evident that he lost passion, optimism and his sense of fun - which is another more pertinent reason for the loud head banging and quiet wailing, on our arrival at home. “Are we like this? Are we as affected by the passing of new full moons?” I do not remember a time when God was not part of my life. My first memories are filled with an awareness of his presence and involvement. I was the third son to be born into our family. I enjoyed the company of my two older brothers, but had an urgent craving for a baby sister. I clearly remember the bed-time ritual of brushing teeth, washing face, reading Bible and praying. My mother would come to our room. We'd talk. She would take the picturesque children's Bible and read of David slaying the giant or Noah building an ark. Then we'd pray - always for the less fortunate and “the people behind the iron and bamboo curtain”. When the USSR and the Berlin Wall came crashing down, I did not even think about the fact that these are things I've prayed about so many years ago . One particular night, I remember adding something to my standard prayer and causing a huge furor. I asked God for a baby sister - I mean, after all, He is God and did we not just read about the little shepherd boy who had victory despite impossible circumstances. My mother patiently explained to me that babies do not come from prayers and that there are many things to consider when having children. At the time, being only three years old, I did not know of my mother's glandular cancer or understood the mechanics and economics involved with bearing and raising children, so it was easy for me to disregard my mother's explanations and just keep on praying, trusting God to do for me what He did for David and in a more particular sense for Abraham. My parents being devout Christians and seriously concerned about my spiritual well-being, were very upset by the new mantra added to my prayer for the less fortunate and all those poor people behind those ridiculous curtains. Maybe, aware of her severe illness, they were concerned that I was setting myself up for a terrible disappointment that could affect my faith, for life. I remember several conversations, in the following days, where my dear father and mother talked about God and how He does not always give us what we ask for and that He sometimes says “no”. They even went so far as to take me dog shopping – “clearly he has an unanswered need for a companion, so let's get him a puppy.” Parents are interesting creatures. I now say this without hesitation, being a parent to three of my own wonderful beings. Despite all the conversations, the explanations, the puppy and later out-right honesty, boldly declaring “there is no way you're going to get that sister” - I persisted in my prayers for the less fortunate, the people behind the curtains and the pending birth of my sister. At the time I did not have trust issues. Despite the circumstances that really did say “there is no way you're going to get a baby sister”, my mother's cancer was healed and my baby sister was born. This happened more than thirty years ago and since then it has happened again and again. I trusted God, disregarded circumstances and amazing events occurred. I wanted to get free from my destructive temper and God gave me profound insight into my own being. If I had to be conscripted, I wanted it to be into the navy and when those dreaded call up papers came I got on a bus to Saldanah Bay. I was reluctantly convinced that studying theology is the next step and arrogantly agreed on the one condition that He would provide me with the resources. Despite being of very average academic background I studied for seven years, without incurring any debt. I longed for children of my own. Regardless of circumstances we had three children in four years. I wanted a house on a hill, overlooking the ocean with paddocks for our horses. That is where we live. I really should not have trust issues. My history with God is one in which He has shown Himself to be intensely involved in everything I am and do - but time has changed me, even more than it affected that old school friend. Disappointments did come, as was feared – and I found myself crying out along with that same David who killed Goliath: “where are you God? Why have you forgotten me?” Eventually I stopped crying out, kept my head down, my mouth shut and just kept on putting one foot in front of the next. What I did not realize until recently is that God does not really care about my trust issues. I mean, He does want us to trust Him regardless of circumstances, but He is not affected or restrained when we wallow in what we perceive to be failures and experience as disappointments. There's this one scripture I've read and heard so many times, I actually should have known better. It speaks of God working all things for good. Of Him taking whatever circumstances and producing fantastical things out of it. In actual fact, I think, this particular Scripture speaks of God never being absent from our lives, but being intensely involved, never mind what we feel. This is something I cannot explain – after all, why would the Creator of the universe be or even want to be intensely and very personally involved in billions of lives on one meager planet in a single stellar system. My inability to explain it, though, does not take away from its truth. So I am getting over myself and my misplaced disappointment – and suddenly it is evident that what seemed to be God's absence is actually God's activity. Did I not ask Him to expand my territory? Was there not an early morning when I spoke to Him about my desire to write? Another day when I discussed with Him the research I read about the profound influence the media has on how people think and choose and experience? You see, He does not miss anything and even though we may forget a passion that might have flared for a moment or a desire that was quenched by our pathetic realism – He is quietly but powerfully busy creating something that we would realize is awesome, if only we could get over ourselves and trust Him, regardless.
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