home
subscribe
advertise
contact
nelson mandela bay's family lifestyle
author:
sanett
still trying to find new balance
issue:
7, spring 2008
Taking a look at innovative ways to reconsider how we manage our time and responsibilities, so that we may have some left to invest in our relationships. Too busy! Too busy to even settle down for a fleeting moment and appreciate a beautiful sunset. Too busy to savour a long walk with your partner and friend - or to hold your 2-year-old child on your lap, while the two of you escape into the fantasy worlds of fairies and dwarfs? Have you eliminated almost every meaningful activity in your life, in order to deal with the tyrannical yoke of that never-ending “to do” list? A while ago I was relaxing in the bath with Dr. James Dobson's book, Bringing up Boys. I came across a chapter called “Chasing the Caterpillar” that tells about the great French naturalist Jean-Henri Fabre and a fascinating experiment he once conducted, lining up processionary caterpillars, around the inner edge of a flowerpot. These caterpillars are very aptly named, since by nature they tend to march in unison. Then Fabre observed these caterpillars carefully as they marched in a circle all around the edge of the flowerpot. At the end of day three, he decided to try and distract the caterpillars by placing some pine needles – their favourite food – in the middle of the pot. Yet, these caterpillars continued walking until, finally, one by one, they rolled over and died of starvation - just centimeters away from their ideal food source. If you have slowed down long enough to read this article, let me urge you to consider your time choices, before you rush off to your next responsibility. What is taking up your time and why are you doing those things? Have you consciously chosen to be involved in them, because you have weighed their benefits and costs - or are you simply following the leader like the caterpillars in our story, doing the things that are dictated by culture, habit or ritual? Are you leading a mind-numbing existence centimeters away from your ideal food source? Research indicates that compared to a decade ago, on average, today people work an extra 10 hours per week. We have become a vacation-starved people that are overworked, yet cannot (at least so we have convinced ourselves) take our earned vacation, because of job demands. Furthermore, the growth of a “24-7-365” society means that many people have to work evenings, weekends and on public holidays – times which have traditionally been regarded as “family times” – and the increasing demands of work are taking a toll on our families. How to balance work and family is certainly a hot discussion topic! In the previous issue of people talk magazine, we considered the negative consequences associated with two-working-parent families. We also highlighted the need for us to seek creative ways of finding a new balance between work and family life. The flipside of the economic boom is a time-famine, and while adults pay a price, our children are the biggest victims of this crucial shortage. Parents might feel terrible strain and fatigue, as they dance on the brim of burnout, trying to juggle home and work responsibilities, but our children's grades are dropping, they have behavioral problems, they feel unhappy and isolated - and then we wonder if life is tougher for our kids, than it was for us? Many educational resources have offered a seemingly sensible solution to this time-famine and they even found a catchy name for it: “quality time”. Unfortunately “quality time” has since been unmasked as a misnomer. Children need quantity when it comes to parent involvement and the amount invested is directly related to the degree of their psychological adjustment. You need to make whatever changes you can, to spend time with your children and be involved in their lives – relationships are our biggest asset, after all. So what can be done to ease the tension between the time we invest in work and the time we have left to give as charity to our family and children and relationships? Perhaps a first step could be to change our minds and consciously decide to invest in our relationships, instead of giving them what is left over. Here are a few innovative suggestions for reconsidering how we manage our time & responsibilities, so that we may create a more balanced investment. Limit your children's activities. Say no to “over-scheduling” and limit your children to one after-school activity, per week. This may be harder for some parents to consider, than it is for their children! You want Sarah to continue with flute lessons; she really wants to make the tennis team. How will you choose? Perhaps your children are filling their tiny lives with a million activities, because there is no one important who would spend that time with them anyway. Teaching your children to make choices is an essential part of your job as a parent – and your choice making is their teacher. True – extramural activities build skill, giving children a sense of accomplishment, but time spent with family gives them a sense of who they are. Think of it in this way: “You have to give up something (flute or tennis) in order to get something (time to breathe or peace of mind and emotional intelligence).” Limit yourself, as well. Take one evening out, during the week. Mom may have her book club and dad may play squash. Simply put, you can't be there for the children if you're not around. Rituals that build closeness – like bedtime stories, or roasting marshmallows – cannot happen when parents use the front door like a revolving door. However, this does not preclude a date night for mom and dad! You need to keep your love life on track by scheduling a quiet evening for two on a regular basis. The balance we seek is about investing in all the relationships we cherish. I would suggest you turn off the TV. Switching the TV off, during meals for example, will lead to better table talk and a more relaxed atmosphere. Watching a particular show or DVD, together, can be a great way for families to relax, but having the TV on in the background just adds another level of distraction and stress. Maybe you could consider this: No TV Monday through Thursday nights. Suddenly you will have much more time for reading, talking and playing. Eating together is invaluable. Agree on a standing supper time and go to work earlier, if you have to, in order to make it back home in time. Then light candles for their calming effect and have some house rules, like: no discipline issues are discussed and no phones are answered. You will enjoy your food much more and the dinner table will become an oasis - or make brunch every Sunday and make this the mandatory everybody-must-show-up meal of the week. Creating these “rituals” and “traditions” will be your saviour when your children become young adults – instead of having to “fight” for their attention, it will be freely given in answer to the investment you made when they were not yet adults. The ideal, off course, is to find employment that will allow for flexible time schedules. You could even consider telecommuting, a job close to home, a home business or schedules that will accommodate the needs of your children. This could mean less pay, or even that you will not get that promotion, but the trade-off will be worth it. And if you cannot change your working environment – do not give up on your search for balance. Utilize extended family (and friends!) A friend of mine is a mom who home-schools her children, while she also works as a photographer. How does she find the time to do this? Well, sometimes she will drop the children off at her parents' house for a few hours and while she is focusing on her work, the children are spending time and building relationships with their grandparents. Afterwards she returns home to focus on her children again. Children spending time in the company of adults will be a massive asset to them when they themselves grow up. If children only spend time in the company of other children, where would they learn the behaviour of adults? Another great trick is to have friends who also have children of about the same age as yours. While your children are being cared for by your good friend, you can focus on work activities with a peaceful mind and next time while you are taking care of both your children and hers, it is her turn to run free. I hope that you will be inspired to spend more time with your children and to be more involved in their lives – that at least you will realize that it is not a lost cause. Whatever lifestyle you choose, make sure that it is your choice and that you are not just endlessly chasing the lead caterpillar around the flowerpot!
| articles
| homes
| life
| art
| sport
| well-being
| travel
| education
| food
| relationships
| money
| motoring
| fashion
| gardening
| horses
| books
| kids
| faith
| community
| NGO directory
